Summertime and the livin's...hard?

That’s right kids; it’s that time again for Bikini’s, Mai Tai’s, Pool Parties, the Beach and Sunburns, eek sunTANS! After all of those long months of indecisive weather ranging from; rain, hot, cold, wind, rain, hot, cold, it’s finally time for some consistent HEAT! And no, I don’t mean Lebron’s kind of “Heat” because we all definitely hate that one. 

I am talking about the heat that wakes you up in the morning before your alarm. The heat that assures you that by 10:00AM it will be nearing 80 degrees and yelling at you to ditch the cardigan you wore to work in efforts to hide your inappropriate shirt. The kind of heat that will make you sweat in places you had forgotten about during the long winter months. The kind of heat that reminds you of that ridiculous song from the 90s that informed you to “wear sunscreen.” The kind of heat that makes you crave Sublime and 40oz’s. And lastly, it is that damn kind of heat that reminds you of your New Years resolution and instantaneously gives you a remorseful feeling as you look back over the last six months that you spent on the couch rather than at the gym.

Ugh- where did the time go?

Every year you say that this one is going to be different. That you are going to commit yourself to the gym.  And that your diet will purely consist of Lean Cuisines, fruits & veggies and water. Well that didn’t work out did it? Gyming it went from four times a week, to three times, to two, to one, to none, real quick. As for your “healthy diet” well that went to shit too. Mexican food will without a doubt be the death of you. But oh how we love those carne asada burritos stuffed with cheese, sour cream, guacamole and french fries. It really is too bad that this glorious creation doesn’t burn up your fat. Where the hell is my magic wand?

The reality is summer is here and there’s nothing we can do to change that. We must embrace it and work with what we got… which may not be a whole lot. This is when DEFCON mode activates. First things first: maintenance. Lets face it ladies, besides the gym, our best friend during the summer is our waxing lady. No need to elaborate, she knows us that well. Next on the list is skin preparation because if you’re anything like me, florescent is the new white. To put it into perspective, if I were to stand next to a Jersey Shore cast member I would be the vanilla to their orange sherbet, not cool. To prevent this humiliation we need to start a skin training regimen.

Like a good manicure, to keep your color you need a base coat. We “snowflakes” cannot just hang out in the sun with only Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 coating our porcelain skin. We also need to set our sun time limits. Now setting limits may be difficult for you if you went to a “party school” and thought sharpie slash marks on your hands were a good idea to keep track of how many shots you had. I am talking about real commitment here. Applying your SPF 30 before you walk out the door, keeping track of the time you spend in direct sunlight and remembering to reapply your sunscreen after every dip in the water. I know I may sound militant, but the amount of sun exposure to your skin the first few days are crucial and can determine the rest of your summer. For example: say you are on your way to the beach in your best friend’s convertible. There is traffic on the 101, as usual, which adds an extra 30 minutes of exposure to your sun-virgin skin. If you hadn’t applied your sunscreen before you left you would undoubtedly get an unwanted seat-belt line across your chest! That could take the rest of the summer to get rid of! AND let’s not forget about raccoon eyes! Seriously, they are only cute on raccoons and even then it’s iffy.

Lastly, just because you fell off the gym wagon does not mean you have to stay off. Not that you “need it”, but trust me if you get back into a routine it will make you feel that much better and more confident about stepping out in your new Victoria Secret swimsuit. Plus, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. They just don’t” -- 10 Points: Name that movie!

Once you’ve properly groomed yourself, maintained a nice base tan and visited the elliptical a few times, I believe you will be ready to, as Ke$ha would say, “Hit this City,” (p.s. where is that biatch?).

Now let’s say this all together now “THIS WILL BE THE BEST SUMMER EVER!”- Ready, Set, Go!!